Letting the Mud Settle

I walk in the dark

From the East,
I enter the mandala of life just as the sun peaks up from the horizon

It is dawn,

A new day born again,

I am the clear, undistorted ocean.

When I’m calm,

I glisten and sparkle,

Reflecting off every surface and aiding in the remembrance of who I am,

Who we are.

My season is winter,

And I am embodied in the crystalline crisp beautiful snow blanketing the earth.

I am clear in responsibility for my emotions,

And this clarity moves me to respond accordingly.

It’s taken me a long time to get here,

And I remember all parts of myself.

Anger comes quickly,

Blowing through me like a storm on the sea.

The silt, mud, sand,

Churn and stir,

Clouding my vision,

Muddy,

Murky,

Lethal.

Fear propels my waves to crash,

Devastating energy smashes anything in its path,

Leaving a wake of debris.

Am I being fooled?

Do I seem weak?

I will not stand for this!

The destruction is calculating,

Fear builds as anger immerges

Justified in my anger,

I rage with the force of tidal waves.

My intelligent nature finds a way to produce confidence within my actions.

I could always freeze over with sharp, cutting, coldness.

I know exactly what to do to wound with perfected accuracy.

My clarity and anger in tandem,

Duality at it’s finest,

The combination of my justified rage

In the form of white wash surging.

On the surface,

I may seem like I have it together,

But inside,

I’m plotting,

Devising,

For sure I’m being taken advantage of.

I ride on the point of a sharpened blade,

A ice sheet ready to crack.

I continue to brilliantly devise.

Old patterns and reactions flood my consciousness.

I don’t feel seen or heard or understood.

I feel to let my guard down in my bought of anger would be to prove to everyone how weak and insecure I am.

I’m suspicious of those around me,

Clearly it’s the world against me.

The spaciousness of my ocean body scares the hell out of me,

Am I safe?

Am I contained?

Am I ok?

Suddenly,

A thunderbolt CRASHES,

Electrifying and breaking up my thoughts,

I realize how angry and afraid I feel.

I sit with this feeling,

As I allow it to flow through me like a river of emotion,

My waves begin to settle,

The clouds slowly disperse,

The sea calms,

The sand and mud drift back down to the sea floor,

The ice melts,

I see what has happened

I was so afraid to be seen in my ferocity that I nearly missed the opportunity to express what I needed.

I can now be with my anger purely,

I see now through the brilliance of the oceans horizon,

I witness the wreckage on the shores.

I’m filled with flowing coolness,

I see that my anger is not wrong necessarily,

Just conditioned clarity without seeing the whole picture.

Tunnel vision,

But my senses coalesce in support now,

I let the awareness continue to find me as I continue to be with the experience.

I was so nervous to be vulnerable,

To come off as weak and easily manipulated,

Now that I am calm,

I can cut through the situation with crystal clear responsiveness.

I reflect my own internal landscape back to myself.

I am indestructible,

I am all of my emotions manifest,

I allow myself to feel the spaciousness of this revelation,

And bow to myself in reverence of my imperfection,

I witness the humanness,

MY humanness.

In feeling all that is and allowing it to settle and be still again,

The snow falls quietly once more,

And I walk farther into the mandala of life.