I Am in Love With Love and Love is in Love With Me

Through the mandala I go,

Now cartwheeling in from the West singing.

I bound and spring,

Childlike wonder as I take in life and all its magic.

I came into this world with so much love to give,

I let myself be filled with love for everything around me.

I would reach out often,

With great big eyes,

Amazed at all of the newness of each day.

The new dress for school felt better than any other article of clothing,

That new song filled my body with joy,

The taste of the first fiddlehead in spring,

Grilled on the fire to perfection,

More garlic fixes most things.

I’ve danced as hard as I could,

I’ve hugged for too long,

And love at first sight,

Oh wow, that really was the most amazing.

It took us years to come together but when we did,

There was no other person on the planet other than you.

I loved you with every cell I have.

But when your anger got the best of both of us,

No one understood why I stayed.

I was so alone.

No one wanted to listen because of who you were,

They didn’t see who you were to me.

And I nearly lost myself.

Staying too long.

Finally, the loneliness of being with you,

Was more lonely than to let you go.

And so I let my heart shatter.

I attended the funeral of our love,

And watched it burn in the flames.

My broken heart nearly killed me,

And I allowed it to harden over,

The lava of my heart crusted.

I used the passion I had to love you, to create a new life,

Far away in a new land.

But over the years,

Even though I’ve loved deeply and fiercely,

No one compares to you,

And once I have them in my arms,

I’m ready to move on.

So I turn toward loving myself and everyone else around me.

I rejoice in the successes and triumphs of those near and dear.

Praying for their blessings, their families, and children.

Using my immense life force,

To spark the flames of my art,

Dancing, singing, creating, painting, laughing,

And burning brightly through the night next to yet another bonfire,

Deep in conversation.

People come to me with all of themselves,

To tell me their stories and lived experiences,

I cherish this created space of trust,

And that they feel safe to confide in me.

I use my passion to hold them,

Compassionately in my heart,

And feel the warmth of their existence fill me from the inside out.

I give my love platonically,

Freely,

Without limit,

Or boundary.

But when it comes to more intense emotions,

I shut out the world.

I’m afraid to be seen in this way.

What if my fire burns down the forest around me?

What if my intensity and lack of boundaries drives people away?

It’s terrifying to be seen.

The red/rosy hue easily skewed.

I realize that all of my parts are loveable,

And when I feel that I am too much,

 I shut out the world.

The loneliness ensues once more,

And the deeper down I go into sadness,

Depression grasps at anything to satiate that feeling of being alone.

No amount of purchases,

Newness,

Or the like,

Can replace the pure connection of authenticity,

Vulnerability,

 And realness of true friendship, connection, and relating.

The loneliness is of my own doing.

 So I reach out.

Another reflection bursts forth from the flames,

I love those around me not on a conditional basis of their good behavior,

I love them for all that they are,

For all they will become.

Perhaps it could be safe to let them love me this way.

Maybe I’m ready to surrender my heart again.

To not become jaded by the imperfections of love,

But to revel in the wonder and beauty of each unique imperfect vessel.

To lean away from simple indulgence

And lean in to emotional discomfort as a form of adventurous exploration.

No longer to grasp,

Grip,

Hold.

But to be present with each feeling,

Moment,

Experience,

Person.

Just as they are,

Just as I am,

In the unperfected splendor,

And I learn in this awakening,

That I am in love with love,

And love is in love with me.

And the flame burns.